I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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