Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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