My girlfriend figured out who you are.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
