There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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