I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Is it because I queefed?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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