I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
