We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
someone owes me an orgasm
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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