We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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