i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
