I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
