Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Randomize
