I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
