And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
