can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
