He kissed a someone with a penis
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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