I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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