My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
