Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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