I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
