I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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