i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
