I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
