there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm getting married
To pizza
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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