i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
