Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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