Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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