Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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