I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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