i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
