I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
