last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
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