That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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