why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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