Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
