The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
