I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
