On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
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