I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
