did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Randomize
