Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
