this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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