jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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