Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
