Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
