Umm I'm too high to move.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
