I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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