i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
