if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
