So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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