i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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