Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
